4 ways to transform arguments into opportunities for intimacy
James and Sophia had been married for a few months when they encountered their first major fight. It was President’s Day weekend, and, wouldn’t you know, James saw that all the televisions were on sale. “It would be nice to get a new TV; it would definitely be an upgrade from our decade-old television,” he thought. So, he told Sophia that maybe it was time for them to get a new TV. They were a dual-income family, and they could afford it. However, Sophia felt very differently about the idea.
Sophia’s family never had much money growing up. Every dime, nickel, and penny was accounted for just to make basic ends meet. A television, well, that was considered frivolous spending and was never an option. Therefore, when James brought up buying a new TV, Sophia quickly dismissed the idea as unnecessary.
“A new television? We don’t need that, James,” Sophia declared, “Ours works fine, and we can’t just go around spending money on every little whim.” James was slightly taken aback; he did not understand her resistance and questioned, “Why not? We both have good jobs. We have a little extra money. What’s the problem with getting a little nicer TV?”
It didn’t take long for this discussion to escalate to a full-blown argument, and neither was willing to back down. When it became apparent that neither of them would change their minds and that this would devolve into a yelling argument, James decided that he needed to get out of the house to cool down. ‘I’m going out!” he declared, “Before this gets any worse.”
Grabbing the keys to the car, he walked out of the house. Minutes later, he was aimlessly driving around town. His mind raced, pondering over Sophia’s reluctance to trust his judgment on making this ‘little’ purchase.” It wasn’t like he would have to take out a loan or put it on a credit card. But the more he drove around, the more he just wished his wife would trust him, and that’s all he really wanted: her approval and trust.
Back home, still frustrated, Sophia was equally upset and called her mom. Her mom listened while her daughter vented her frustrations until Sophia had nothing more to say, and there was a long pause. Her mother then offered her own wisdom, “Sweetheart, you have to understand that all husbands, including your father, long to be encouraged by their wives more than anyone else in the world.”
Overhearing the conversation, her father chimed in, “Your mom’s right. And while I cherish her support, I’ve also realized that it’s not your mother’s sole responsibility to fill that void. And that’s something that I have had to work on myself.” Her parents continued to explain that they had similar situations in the past, and that’s just part of ‘growing’ in a marriage.
After an extended pause, Sophia asked, “So what do I do now?” Her mom quickly replied, “Why don’t you just text him, sweetheart? Just something simple. Let him know that you trust him, and even though spending the money makes you a little nervous, you’re willing to consider it.”
Meanwhile, James pulled over to stop and think. As his hands rubbed the steering wheel absent-mindedly, he began to replay the whole fight in his head. Was a new television worth a blown-up argument? Was the old TV really all that bad? He was so lost in thought that he almost missed his cell phone buzzing, indicating he got a new text message. When he glanced down, he saw a message from Sophia and quickly opened it.
Recognize the pitfalls of expectations
Like James and Sophia, younger couples often fall into the trap of believing their partner will know and meet their needs. Many assume that their spouse will be on the same financial wavelength. This is not always the case, as James felt comfortable spending money, while Sophia found security in saving. How often do you see a spender-saver dynamic working seamlessly?
Others anticipate growing closer to both families as if marriage erases all in-law challenges. Some dream that all household duties will be shared equally. Many hope for effortlessly fulfilling and frequent intimacy. Lastly, the notion that loneliness in marriage is impossible often catches couples off guard. The complexities of marital expectations become even more evident along gender lines.
A glimpse into the heart of men
Many men, like James, often do not feel respected. They expressed concerns over lacking physical intimacy and deep-seated insecurity regarding their wife’s affection and admiration. As Sophia’s parents stated, men frequently doubt their spouses’ love, pride, and trust in their leadership abilities. Therefore, they seek validation within their relationships.
Imagine a newly married, inexperienced husband installing a bathroom for the first time. He’s struggled and fought with that toilet for hours, but he got it in. Then, when his wife sees it, she states, without malice, that the toilet is crooked. Unbeknownst to her, her husband perceives that feedback as criticism and a declaration of failure that overshadows his effort, triggering feelings of inadequacy. While men seek affirmation, women often feel burdened with responsibilities.
Unveil the inner silence of women
Women like Sofia often feel overwhelmed, carrying the brunt of responsibilities and longing for recognition themselves. They juggle the complex dynamics of managing a home and family, expecting some acknowledgment, only to find themselves unsupported. This lack of support is the breeding ground for resentment.
Women often express that if their husbands truly loved them, they would instinctively know their desires, such as what gifts they want, without being explicitly told. This desire stems from a longing for a profound emotional connection; however, expecting a partner to read your mind is unrealistic.
Truth: disappointment in marriage will happen, and when partners struggle to understand and fulfill each other’s needs, it leads to frequent conflicts and isolation. Therefore, rather than letting it be an impasse, allow it to present itself as a defining moment to rethink your expectations.
Take action in your marriage
James and Sophia’s fight is based on relational truths to illustrate that disagreements often stem from differing expectations. A simple decision — whether to purchase a new TV — just goes to show how each partner perceives security, trust, and respect.
1. The key to handling such conflicts is recognizing and understanding each other’s needs and wants while esteeming each other’s differences. Whether it’s a husband striving for his wife’s affirmation after installing a crooked toilet or a wife seeking acknowledgment for her efforts in managing the household, both seek to be seen and appreciated. Paul states,
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3, NIV)
You can’t avoid conflict, but as Greg and Erin Smalley point out, that conflict does not have to be combat, and 1 of the best ways to prevent conflict is through effective communication.
2. Start by listening and appreciating your spouse’s thoughts, feelings, and needs above your own.
“Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:4, NIV)
Listen to each other with an open heart using your eyes and ears first instead of trying to justify, debate, or defend yourself. If you must say something, then ask your partner about their needs and really take the time to listen. James tells us how,
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” (James 1:19, NIV)
3. Only after they have expressed their heart should you tell them your needs. Not articulating your needs can lead to unmet expectations and disappointment. Therefore, take the time to talk and hear what your spouse is saying when you listen.
4. Regularly affirming each other’s efforts and contributions strengthens marriages. Paul writes,
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29, NIV)
Sophia’s text to James served as a gesture of trust. Affirmation plays a critical role in marriage. Think of affirming, like confirming what they need to hear, empowering them to declare, “I’ve got this!” It is the regular practice of appreciating what they have done, reminiscing together, and recognizing their strengths.
Couples like James and Sophia — and indeed all of us — can turn challenges into inner growth that strengthens a marriage. I pray all of us will take every opportunity to grow deeper in our connection with our spouses as we grow closer to God.
